Frost Bound- The Untold Story of a Southern Prince
by er1k20
Summary: We have all heard Elsa's story, but what of Hans? May his actions have been justified? Does Elsa really have ice magic, and what's up with her relationship with Ana anyway? And whats wrong with Christopher (Kristoff)? All these questions and more that you didn't ask may be somewhat answered in this alternative view of the events in Frozen.


Frost Bitten: The Untold story of a Southern Prince

Unseen Narrator- (Pan down on the Starship Enterprise flying over a tiny castle on the ground) Pan down on the USS Enterprise. Is that right? Pan down? That sounds retarded. Let me Google that. (Wait 10 seconds) Close enough. Its too hard to find the right word. Toady we're panning, and you are going to like it! (A mirror falls off the ship and into a window of the castle. To the side we see a crying baby covered in broken mirror bits) Only huge nerds will understand what just happened. If you don't and want to just Google Startrek, 1 word, mirror empath, there should be a tumblr article explaining where we are going with this. (Fade to black, cue applause)

Woman standing center stage speaking to the audience- The greatest tragedy of our time, which is in many ways is due to three cases of freak weather, is a tale rarely spoken, until now. A boy who, in an instant, lost himself, forever bound to the emotions of others. A boy who in every moment of his life wanted nothing more than to not fit in so perfectly, as to please those around him, only to be seen as a villain. He also wanted this girl to fuck him. But mostly the pleasing thing! Anyway, this is his story. This is the untold story of a southern prince. (Fade to a lighter black, and cue a lesser applause)

(Pan down on the Olo castle, and yes, we are still panning)

Sung by a young Hans, around age 12-

I look around the castle

And see their hesitation

And the reservation that consists

Of everything they do

But it could be the day

I can finally choose my actions

And all of my brothers will say to me

Twelve older boys of varying age alternately say "fuck you"

Song over, all spoken now

Hans- What are you up to today Marcop?

Marcop- Just carving out some chairs. I think they're nice!

Hans- Well I just made a rocking chair this morning, so... I also painted it so...

Marcop- Get out you little fucker! (Shoving Hans away to the floor)

(Hans runs to his nearest brother, this one in the kitchen)

Hans- Greetings, o brother Picc (incorrectly doing the Spock thing) what is in thy plans this morn'?

Picc- Ahh, just makin' some Ramen dis morn'.

Hans- Oh, well I made some Mac N Cheese earlier, so...

Picc- Get the fuck out, bitch. Cooking isn't even my thing. You don't even care that I write musicals, do you? Well... one. But still, beats what you think of me.

Hans- Well, I wrote an Aladdin Musical that has over a million views on Youtube, so...

Picc- Bitch! (Grabbing the nearest knife and stabbing Hans in the back)

(Hans crawls a few feet, pulls out the knife, and continues down stairs to arrive near his eldest brother)

Hans- Aloha soy hermano Bendu! Que Tal?

Bendu- Oh, you know just doing a bit of bench press, I'm up to 250. That's more than you've ever done.

Hans- (Walking over to the other bench) Arrgh! (Lifting bar) 251, so...

Bendu- Just leave you little shitface!

Hans sitting on a painted rocking chair, eating Mac N Cheese, reading a script with a barbell next to him, singing-

I am alone, surrounded by darkness

I see how heartless the world can be.

I sit here crying, I feel like it's hopeless

I always do my best to make them see.

I sit here all alone, on this rocking chair,

Eatin' some Mac N Cheese

Reading this gay ass script that is nowhere near

As good as my brother's that is better in so many other ways

That may not be as professional, but would still be better for certain people

A little love is all I need to make it through

(Fade to black, cue greatest applause so far)

Woman standing center stage speaking to the audience- Oh yeah, I forgot. That girl he wanted to fuck, he also wanted her to love him. Same difference! Moving on.

(Lights up, I believe that that is more correct for a play, on a market street, down which an older Hans, just a year or two younger than his appearance in the movie, walks tall and regal. On the other end is a slightly younger girl, looking just slightly of age with curly brown hair. Their eyes meet from across the market. As they see each other they feel the need to run to the other.)

Mary- Why, doesn't someone look out of place here? Golly, you are cuter than a peach. What might your name be?

Hans- My name is Hans Olo, son of the king of these Southern Isles. And yours beautiful?

Mary- I am Mary Posada, I am the daughter of a merchant, but I am the third, so I am afraid this day of shopping is preparation for the rest of my life.

Hans- I don't see why that should be so, why...

Directly after the last scene Hans and Mary sing this-

Hans- I bet, you're the one who gets all of the boys to buy you things

Mary- And I'm sure you just can't wait until you finally become king.

Hans- What? That's some twisted humor

Mary- I'll love your foreign jewelers

Both- I think we can assume we're gonna get along

Mary- You're not like average kings like Rich or Cat or John

Hans- And I'd bet you'd never forget me in the years we'd spend abroad

Both- I can safely shout, without a doubt, that it won't take very long

Both- Before we're getting, and not regretting, ever setting on getting along

(Song over)

(Hans and Mary walked down the street, arms latched)

Hans- Oh right this way Mary!

Mary- I have this crazy idea!

Hans- So do I, but I bet mine is crazier!

Mary- We should get married!

Hans- That's what I was going to say! Of course we'll need my father's approval, and the support of my older brothers is always appreciated.

Mary- Wait! What did you just say! Older-

Ugly Mexican Man with an Annoying Voice and too much Facial Hair- Yo soy Carlos!

Hans- Excuse me sir, do you want money or something?

UMMAVFH- Yo soy Carlos!

Mary- What a fucking retard! Dis is Merica!

Hans- Actually these are the Southern Isles.

UMMAVFH- Aloha! (Walks away)

Mary- That is hello in Hawaiian! Get the fuck out of here!

(UMMAVFH comes back over)

UMMAVFH- So do you know what foreshadowing is?

Hans- Of course, it is the act of providing vague advance indications; representing beforehand, why?

UMMAVFH- No reasono, justo somethingo everyooneo shouldo knowo. (He then turns and runs away)

Mary- So Hans, darling what was that about OLDER brothers?

Hans- Yea, I'd like my twelve older brothers to be on board, don't you?

Mary- So thirteenth in line? You'll never be king! I want to Marry a king! Get on that! Text me once you do that. (Fade to black, no applause)

Woman standing center stage speaking to the audience- That day Hans felt something for the first time ever. It was a thing called love, and he loved it. He loved it so much that as soon as the song was over, he bonded with her, which is no small thing for an Empath like him. From then on a piece of him was latched to her. No matter what, nothing would stop him from becoming a king somewhere, somehow. As time went, he got incredibly worried, he'd have to find another kingdom or kill his entire family, and he would do anything to protect his family. That is why when he heard of the situation in Arendel, he knew that he had to do whatever he could.

Al Gore walks out across the stage in a costume (yes, we got Al Gore) and the audience shouts, "Manbearpig is real!" (I then walk out and say) "No duh, I've been here the whole time!" (Random fan stands up, shoots me in the face, and sits down. Greatest applause yet.)

Man standing center stage speaking to the audience-I'm sorry, the woman out here before refuses give this particular speech, mostly because she is a homophobic republican Prik. Don't judge here though, you don't know her life. Anyway, you may think that there are only 2 versions of this story, the commonly told one, and the true one, however, there is another side to this true story. For even the protagonists story isn't told correctly if it is not acceptable to the teller. There is also the story of a girl who, on top of having to deal with people suspecting she had ice powers, had to come to terms with her sexuality. Of course the other trouble arose when the castle was closed down, and, in those three days, never seeing anyone, fell in love with someone who she could never be with, and would never love her the same way. We could have fixated on this, however The Untold Story of Some Lesbian Incest would not have sold nearly as well. Don't worry though, that was the story I wanted to tell.

(Pan down on a girl leaning up against her bed, crying. She looks close enough to Elsa to assume she is, but still low-budget enough to make people complain.)

Elsa begins to sing-

I am so white in my bedroom today, No diversity anywhere

A kingdom of all white men, And it looks like I'll be the Queen

The sharks are growling from the ocean far outside

They couldn't stay in, Heaven knows if God tried

Don't fly away, Don't be taken

Stay in the water, Where you should be

Conceal, Don't fly, Don't fly away. Well now you've flown

Sharknado, Sharknado

Couldn't keep em in anymore

Sharknado, Sharknado

Ate my mommy and my pop

I don't care, What happens now, Just need to move on

And find a way to fuck my sister

(Cut to black, huge laughs)

(Lights up on many workers with various tools. One seems less skilled than the rest. No younger, just dumber. Throughout this whole scene lion king is playing as lower background noise. Begins by throwing a real sharp saw into the crowd and hoping to not get sued. All but the dumb man are hard at work slicing, cutting, loading, etc. This man does his best)

Christopher- I am Christopher. (reaches down with a claw to grab an ice block, but it slips off) whoops! I'm silly! Christopher is silly, I meant to do that!

Al (another worker)- Sure ya did, smart ass (his peers laugh at the irony)

Christopher (Trying again, only to fail)- Whoopsy Marvin! I bet you don't get that HIMYM reference!

Marvin- You got us wet, Bitch (The group then beats Christopher until they are happy again)

Christopher (Getting on the sled)- Hello buddies! I'm Christopher! (His buddies then throw him off, for him to land on a reindeer) Lets go buddy, I'm Christopher! (And they ride away into the sunset together)

(Man walks out on stage with a sign that says, "Three Days Later (Yes, there was a typo in the movie, real royalty must be replaced immediately)")

Begin with Ana stitting in her room singing, making appropriate hand motions along the way-

It starts with not questioning the answers, and giving up before it's done

It locks all the doors, increases air pressure

And in a flash my time'll be up before I'm done

And I assume you know just who, I'm talking too

I'm talking to you, you Sharknado (Standing up)

I don't want to be like the rest and denied the best that I deserve

I will show you Sharknado (Walking out of her room)

Who cares about normal, I'll be content to resent you Sharknado

We'll take down these walls around me, and open up all these windows (Servants come in to pretend to open stuff)

I will define my boundaries that they all will understand- or else! (Glares over at the servants)

I'm so much MORE! Than you Sharknado

Time to go slide on this pipe, down to the bottom floor (Walking in circles, as if down stairs)

And I know, it's time to go! (Running out the castle gates)

So now I'll get everything I've wanted, but I have made it so

By saying no, no, no, to you Sharknado (Running next to water)

(After the 11 seconds Hans rides in on his horse and hits her into a boat, getting her hair wet)

Ana- Hey!

Hans- Are you OK?

Ana- Oh, yeah. You just got me wet... really wet.

Hans- Ah, I am used to getting girls wet. Its a bit of a curse really. I guess I'd best be going. I can't wait to meet the princesses of Arendel, they've got something I want.

Ana- Well you've already met one, and I think your already half way to getting what you want.

Hans- My lady. I take it you are satisfied with me?

Ana- Only if you promise to satisfy me daily. (Reaching out a hand that he grabs and helps her up)

Hans- I do, but only if we marry.

Ana- I do. Wow! Today is going great! I need to go tell my sister!

Hans- Here, take my whores. (Ana, not getting the pun, gets up on Hans's HORSE and rides back to the castle, leaving the boat Hans is on to fall into the water, where where Hans is met by sharks)

Shark- Hey man, you seem pretty cool. I could see plenty of my kind worshiping you. Just FYI.

Hans- Sure. (Punches shark and swims up to follow Ana)

Hans just gets out of the water and begins to sing-

I can see your face, I hear your name

I lost my place and you're to blame

And I can't stand it when I'm thinkin bout your eyes

And know you are doing it back, it ain't a big surprise

I hear music, I hear noise, I wish that I could hear your voice

The way that I do when I go to sleep at night, and dream my life away

But you're gone when I awake, Mary, Mary

Why can't you see, what you've done for me

The way her hair falls in her eyes (motion back towards Ana)

Makes me hope she'll never ever see through my disguise

She's under my spell, she is falling, and I don't know where we'll land

Everyone knows who she is, and they'll soon know who we are!

Mary, Mary, you will soon see, what I'm doing for we

(Lights up on a room, at the head of which is Elsa and a Bishop, the chess piece, not the person)

Bishop- Before this young girl may become the next queen... wait a second, that can't be right. Women can't do stuff. Her brain is too small to do this. By the way God told me to say that so you must listen. Anyway, heathens, this girl must hold the ceremonial scepter and orb, that have built in sorcerer and lesbian sensors. If she is either we will know, and it won't matter which because they are interchangeable. Anyways she must hold them and I will speak in the ancient Latin and pretend that God has given this... woman... any sort of power.

Elsa- (Under her breath) Lets hope this works. (She reaches down and picks them up)

Bishop- Iam nullam ideam habent quod loquor et tu ita ego assumeret significatur aliquid dicere iustus. chang ching chong.

(Hans and Ana barge into the chapel)

Ana- Elsa! We have some great news!

Hans- Your sister and I are engaged

Ana- To be married!

Elsa- Married!

(At that moment everyone on stage freezes (no pun intended) in place and the male narrator comes out)

Man- I'm sorry, but this next step is complicated, and all of you out there are too stupid to understand it without my help. You know, that larger male brain and all. So, at this very moment the snow storm of the century blows in and engulfs the kingdom in ice. Elsa gets pissed at Ana and Hans's announcement, and it is evident, and that is the moment when people notice the storm, and also at the same time the scepter goes off for that gay thing, but nobody knows the difference.

Duke- (A weasel stands up and points to Elsa) Sorcery! (And Elsa runs away into the mountains, people assume to get away from the storm she created)

(Lights up on a room with Elsa, and a lot of men huddled around each other as far away from her as possible)

Instructor- Hello men, and you (looks over at Elsa), and welcome to the North Mountain Gay Camp. And by the way the purpose of this is to stop the gay, not start it, so no you have not already won. This is meant to Gays only, so I'm sorry.

Elsa- I'm Gay, I'm in love with my sister! Hence the Gay!

Instructor- You are a Lesbian, and there is no lesbian camp on this mountain because there is nothing wrong with lesbians, they serve a great purpose in society.

Elsa- Well as a lesbian I can't be queen.

Instructor- Very well, you may stay, but shut up woman! We really don't like your kind here. Anyways, there is only one way to cure the Gay Disease, and that is through the power of God, channeled through song, beginning at the root of your problems.

(All the boys, the instructor, and Elsa begin to sing)

Elsa- I get it! If I ever feel I'd rather be with a man, I just need to turn it off and keep being a lesbian! Thanks guys, now I just need to go to the incest camp in that giant ice castle next door!

(Back to Hans and Ana in a courtyard, surrounded by the citizens as it snows down)

Hans- So, since your sister is gone, what now?

Ana sings with Hans chiming in at the indicated places-

We have tried but somehow the plan has rearranged

It's so hard to say, but I've gotta do what's best for me, we'll be OK, I've got to go out and go find Elsa

I can not just stay here, I know you'll understand, We will have our place in this kingdom soon

But as of right now, I gotta go my own way

I don't want to leave you here behind, But you must be regent, and watch the people for a time

Don't let this place turn to gray, I just don't want to watch it all, slowly fade away

I'm leaving today, cause I gotta do whats best for we, We'll be okay

And by we I do mean, just Elsa and me, You do belong here, and that is why you'll stay

We WILL find our place in the world someday, But j-u-s-t for now, we've gotta go our own ways

Hans- What about us? What about all we need to go through

Ana- We have got time

Hans- Our time may be shorter than you think

Ana- What does that mean

Hans- Just you may mysteriously die soon (Pause song for a second, should be 2:15)

Ana- What! Are you planning something?

Hans- Noo... just life is short so we must live it.

Ana- Oh, well (Back to singing) I gotta leave but I'll miss you!

I've got to go out and go find Elsa, You're clearly second in my life, maybe just behind her

We will find our place in this world someday

But at least for now, Elsa is clearly more important than you

(Lights up on Ana alone, looking as if she is struggling to walk)

Ana- It just had to be snow? It couldn't have been fire magic that just incinerated us all so I didn't have to do this! Oh! (Points across stage) Smoke! It must be a forest fire! I should go over and see if I can get an adorable bald bear pet! (Runs in circles, pretending to make distance) Damn it! Traveling Yewmens post of trade... And sauna..? Why the fuck is there a sauna in the middle of nowhere? (Ana steps inside anyway)

Christopher- Hey buddy, I don't have 40 of this mysterious currency we aren't going to name. How about a warm hug? I was watching this really informative foreign show that said hugs are priceless!

Yewmen- Was that show called Dora?

Christopher- It was! How did you know buddy!

Yewmen- That is my favorite show! She really is a super cool exploradora, isn't she?

Ana- Yes she is.

Yewmen- Nobody asked you bitch! This is guys time, get the fuck out! (And so she did) And Christopher, I'll take that hug now!

(Ana sits outside the post, with a face resembling :'(, Christopher leaves the shop)

Ana- Hey man, can you help me?

Christopher- Silly, Sphen is a reindeer, he can't talk to you. I'm Christopher!

Ana- I was talking to you, Christopher.

Christopher- Well can you talk to Sphen, he is lonely.

Ana- Hi Sphen, so can you take me up to the north mountain to find my sister?

Christopher- Silly, Sphen is a reindeer, he can't talk to you. I'm Christopher!

Ana- Christopher, will you, CHRISTOPHER, take me up the north mountain?

Christopher- Well you'll have to ask Sphen as he'll do most the work.

Ana- Sphen says yes! Will YOU take me?

Christopher- Well sure, but I can only pay you in hugs!

Ana- Please don't, we'll call it even!

Christopher- Okay, get in my sleigh and we'll go! (The both sit down in random chairs next to each other, and Christopher gets out a whip) Mush! (He whips Ana)

Ana- Hit the reindeer, not me!

Christopher- Whoopsy, I'm silly. (Whips the reindeer, and it begins to walk) Hang on, we like to go fast!

Ana- Oh, I'd love to go fast! (Sphen continues to walk) When exactly will that happen?

Christopher- Get your feet down, this is fresh lacquer. (Spits on Ana)

Ana- What was that!

Christopher- Punishment for being a big meanie-face to my sled!

Ana- S-

Christopher- Shh! Stop talking! (A few fake mice are thrown out behind them) Wolves! Mush boy! (Whips Ana again)

Ana- Ok, wrong in so many ways... (Shaking her head)

Christopher- Just trust me. (Picks up torch) Burn wolves! (Drops the torch, setting the sled on fire) Whoopsie, I'm silly! (Turns around and sees a small 2 inch hole) Cliff! (Grabs Ana) Jump! (Ana shouts "Kristoff!" as they jump, they both fall on there faces in the snow, a whole 5 feet away from the shop. They both look up)

In unison- The north mountain!

Christopher sings-

We did it, we did it, we did it, yeah! Lo hicimos, We did it!

We got on a sled, and we rode it real fast

We did it! We did it! We did it! Hooray!

We encountered some wolves, so I got out a torch

We did it! We did it! We did it! We did it!

I dropped the torch and burned up our sled

We then jumped off a huge cliff, hurray! We did it!

(Lights up on Hans handing out cloaks, the weasel duke following him, and various citizens scattered throughout)

Citizen #1- It's bark down!

Citizen #2- No, bark up is dryer! (Pulls out a knife and throws it at Citizen #1's face, killing him)

Hans- No, YOU'RE wrong (gets out a bigger knife, throws it at Citizen #2's face, killing him more) Please citizens, take these cloaks, there is food in the castle, and any of you young women are welcome to use my bath tub with me. Ain't (it is a word, first time in my life using it) I so generous?

Duke- Are we expected to sit here and freeze while you give away anything I could buy to make a new weasel hole? No. You know, you are in a position to become king in much fewer steps than you had intended.

Hans- (To the duke) Princess Ana has left me in charge, and I don't appreciate that you are thinking of how to seize the kingdom (Hans clearly understanding now how to easily seize the kingdom, says to the citizens) Princess Ana has not yet returned from her journey, meaning that the queen must have hurt her to prevent her return. I need volunteers to help me apprehend the queen, and if needed... the princess.

(Lights up on the front door of a ice castle)

Ana- (Start song 1 2:22) (Knocks on door) Elsa, I know you're in there,

people have been wondering where you've been, they say of betrayal, and I'm trying to,

not think of you doing that to us

Elsa- We could have each other, just you and me

Ana- So what are we going to do? I wanna be your friend forever!

Elsa- I wanna fuck you sometime soon.

Ana- What a super weird thing to say, I'll assume it's a sick joke,

but I still wanna be your friend forever

Elsa- We should start banging!

Unison- Oh wait a second, lesbians don't do that! (Song over)

Ana- It's so great to see you!

Elsa- I can't do this. It's too hard. I may hurt you, or vice versa.

Ana- Come on (Start song 3 1:33) We can laugh and talk all evening, totally bizarre

Elsa- Yeah... Nothing like the life we've led so far...

Ana- For the first time in forever, we'll be together as sisters

Elsa- But it's not the first time ever, things have changed too much for that

Ana- And I know it may be crazy, but way may even find romance (Song ends)

Elsa- No! We can't go back to that!

Ana- Why not! Our life was amazing! We can have that again!

Elsa- No! We need to go on!

Ana- Come on. Do you want to build a penguin?

It'll run and flap and play! We won't have to see him anymore, he'll go out the door, and just run away

Until then we'll be best buddies, penguins and us, not a wish or dream,

Those ice powers would do it, I don't see why it wouldn't,

Do you want to build a penguin? Seems like the best thing we could make.

Nothing else makes any sense, not any sense at all.

You know that maybe, a penguin is not the most effective thing to make him.

Or maybe just a snowman, yea a snowman would make a lot more sense

Elsa- Yes it would

Ana- That's all I'm saying (song over) (Hans runs in with a crossbow)

Hans- Red is not a color! (Shoots a bolt randomly at a wall and the castle crumbles, as it falls down) It's either Crimson or Perry-winkle! (Fade to black)


End file.
